Brain dead.

Wake up in the morning feeling like P.Ditty...JK. I stayed up all night feeling super shitty:i have bags, im hungry, my neck hurts, my back hurts, my butt cheeks are numb, and I'm moving slow as hell. lol...

So yea I stayed up all night. Some people stay up all night like often but without alcohol this is pretty rare from me. I need sleep so I can grow tall but yea I feel like I got shorter last night...I'm hoping that writing and thinking will make me sleep because for the past few hours I couldn't sleep at all :[ But finally I've thought until I can now think no more. My eyes, my muscles, my fat?, my brain are all telling me I need to sleep. It's weird knowing that just thinking has made me so tired. BTW did you guys know that the brain uses about 25% of your calories??? Assuming that you have a 2000 calorie diet. So yea probably more than that or less if you're my sister.

Dang this is cool: my facial hair grew in the past like 6 hours and 40 minutes I can feel it...manly heh.

I thought that me writing would make me go to sleep faster but it's failing...I can't stop thinking about school, [x], politics, future...well mostly [x]. I guess you guys can learn something about me today: I think a lot. Sometimes it's good I guess. Thinkings good. Other times, thinking keeps you up all night. I mean it's not just thinking. Or maybe it is. Nvm yea it is...My English teacher used to make me just free write. We HAD to write for a certain period of time and if we couldn't think of anything she told us to write "blah blah blah.... period period ....blah blah blah". Kind of school. She was my favorite English teacher. Yea that class was fun too.

I just coughed and almost peed my pants because I have to pee really bad right now but I have no energy to get up. And I did not pee my pants. I almost did. I'm not wearing pants. I'm wearing grey and white and black striped boxers. I don't really like these since they don't have that buttoned hole in the spot. But yea. That spot or hole whatever is nice to have. I don't like these.

So yea...everyone has graduation soon and went to prom or is going...except me. :[ fml...I hate weed...-_- I can't believe I can't walk...sucks a lot. At first when I found out I couldn't walk it was like ehh its just walking who cares. Same with prom. But now...fuck. I don't get to walk...or ask [x] to go to prom or even go to prom...

What am I going to do today...I hope sleep comes. At least until maybe like 3ish...Oh yay I'm getting more tired now. Before I started writing I was so tired and ready to sleep but it wouldn't come. When I was writing I became awake again and thinking and now I'm back to where I was except like a wee bit more sleepy. Can you guys believe that I'm writing this while laying down? Picture this. A guy lying down. Like as if someones sleeping. Face facing up, but he has a laptop on his lap and he's just typing. I feel so cool. If I get spelling and puntcuation right I'm going to be so proud of myself. Oh dang...I didn't spell punctuation**** correctly :\ But whatever I don't care.

I think one funny thing about staying up until now or even waking up this early, you can see who gets on fb in the morning...those fb addicts tsk tsk tsk...but it's ok fb is my homepage. and im sure for a lot of you guys too haha.

Dang...my rooms too bright even though its gloomy outside...-_- Shouldn't have ruined my curtains last 4th of July...I guess I'll just stay up. That means I'll sleep early today right? So my sleeping pattern will be back to normal...Ya that makes sense so I'll just stay up and deal with bags and being sluggish today. I have to get ready for medical school in 4 years anyways...I just don't know what to do...I guess I could go make food but...OH I just noticed that I don't have pictures in my posts...no wonder I only have 4 followers lawls....whatever this can be my personal diary...

Is this a long post...I do have no pictures...too lazy I was going to post pictures...No ones going to read this. But I'm not like Choibert who deletes his post because if i delete this I'll feel retarted because I don't know I wrote it and I wan't to post it. and it's my personal diary..oh yea it is. so I'm going to post this. Ok good news for me, my left eye has given up maybe if I stop writing the right one will do the same and my brain follows. goodbye diary I feel...shit I just spend like 4 minutes thinking of how I feel...I couldn't tell..But I guess I can feel more than one feeling. K if someone looked at me I probably look high as shit my eyes are like drooping and my eyes are always reddish Good morning.

Herbless Mind.

For some reason... recently, a lot of the things that my dad has been saying to me for the past year seem to be making sense. I always thought that what he was saying is all bullshit asian parental talk. I'm pretty sure my soberness of the plant has really cleared my head.

So I haven't smoked for maybe 4 months now. Since then I've gotten goals, treated people better, improved my relationship with my mom, dad, and my sister, realized my potential to become successful and also realized that herb isn't all there is to life and that I can live being like this. I also like it. Although my parents still don't trust me as much as before, they've been really nice and supportive. But actually I've become kind of a hermit not going out as much as I used to. And I hate going to ADS. I mean it's not bad when I'm there its actually kind of fun but I HATE the fact that I have to GO there...But oh well my fault anyways.

The really big thing though that I'm excited about is my goals. They started coming to me about a month after not smoking. I first wanted to become a lawyer, then an entrepreneur, then back to lawyer, then doctor, back to lawyer, then back to entrepreneur, then lawyer, and now I'm back to doctor.. :D I decided, for now at least, I want to become a neurosurgeon or an internist. I know for a fact that those who know me right now will probably expect me to fail pretty hard except for maybe [x] shes been so supportive <3 But for you all, yea I know I probably haven't done anything to show that I'm capable or learning or studying. But since I've been sober I can't wait to go to school and learn. The last time I've had this mindset was probably in 5th grade when I was in GT but failed miserably because PC BANG > HW at that time :] Dumb, yes I know but whatever. I know I can do it but I probably can't be smoking. At least not as much as before...I actually want to quit. Weird...a few months ago my thinking was the exact opposite: Weed > Life.

I also now want to go out and do stuff. I mean I've always wanted to go out and do things but I never acted on it. Mainly because I don't have a car...I still don't -_-.... But yea I don't like just getting high and chillin around. well since I can't smoke now that isn't really happening...Now I just hate sitting around doing nothing. I really wish I had even school work. I want to be productive. I've been a very heavy cigarette smoker since 4th grade. Actually I quit for about 2 and a half years but yea I don't think I'll be living until like 90 so I don't want to waste my life. (I've been cutting down now!! :D) So much to do...I hope this beach trip next month works out. I kind of want to get out of NoVa for a bit. Also I want to play more poker!!!! Pokers so fun I suck so much at poker but still gambling is fun hahah. Mmmm I want to go to KD, go fishing, swimming!!!, just anything but sitting around and doing nothing high or not like I've done so much in the past.

One thing I realized though is that sadly yess I am a hermit now...:( I think friendships based on 2 people both liking a drug and abusing it often won't work out unless they were good friends before they both started using the drug[s]...Well at least with some friends I have..I still like being with them though. They're all really nice and chill and I like talking, chillin with them but...since I can't smoke a big part of our "friendship" is gone... :\ My dads been telling me that for the past year a LOT. I've always denied it and thought he was a faggot ass douchebag everytime, but it's kind of true now, for me at least.

But yea it's whatever...I just cant wait until I go to California. But that is if I get good grades in school so I can transfer to UCLA: one of my goals. Even though I've lived in NoVa most of my life, this place just isn't for me. Although I havent been to California before, it seems like I'd like it there a lot. Hopefully I can visit there before I really move there.. haha IDK I think I'll be happy there. I like the warm weather. And after experiencing the snow this year, I'm tired of it. I can't have fun in the snow like I used to when I was a kid heheh sucks but yea :]

I guess I'm done writing since I'm tired...I think I'm going to get my sleeping pattern back to normal since I stayed up last night. yessssss. I hate waking up. But I hate waking up late. I like the morning I feel good :D.

IDK

damnn im pretty tired. I don't really know why though. Ride now I'm like worried about rides and availability of the houses in Chincoteague. I really hope this trip works out. I kind of planned it and I don't really want to be a failure. But if it does fail - which it won't...hopefully - sorry guys haha.

So recently I switched over from normal boxers to boxer BRIEFS. These things are the shit. They're so soft and when I wear jeans and sometimes shorts it feels like theres nothing there. No wedgies either like with boxers sometimes.

But I REALLY need to go to LifeTime more if were going on that beach trip...I got me on of these...



haha yea not really. But my belly could be better -_-
Damnn I'm so excited about this beach trip...but...HOPEFULLY I get to see [x] tomorrow!!!!!! I'm like powerhoping that the JUDGE said yes. I don't think you guys know what I'm talking about unless you're [x] lol.

I got new headphones today. I really need to quit cigarettes. I felt my lung like shrinking and my heat had like an irregular beat today outside Chipotle before I bought my delicious burrito. It was kind of scary but then I took like 8 more puffs anyways...-_- I hate nicotine.

I decided like 2 weeks ago that I was going to start to eat like ONLY salads maybe some kalbi and goodies sometimes. But mostly salad...that failed...I'm eating wayy too much. Geez I really hope the JUDGE said yes...I'm gonna be super bummed out if she didn't...

So yea....the balloon [x] gave me for my birthday is like..wilting...looks dead which I can't comprehend because [x] said that he/she had a balloon like this one and hers is flat but still like up. Mine looks like a dead rose -_-...

Yea I'm done blogging for today I guess. I'm about to go to sleep soon.

asf

Yesterday, I bought my first pack of dambaes. I felt cool but then also weird because I was the only one there rolling up with a passport. o.o But yea it was cool. My first pack of cigarettes were Marlboro Reds Softpack. I think its going to be one of the things I never forget but it also doesnt seem like a really big deal. I just felt cool and 18.

I was supposed to go to Lifetime at 10:20 AM. I ended up going there around 1ish -_- that wasnt cool. Something came up but at least I got to go. I went with Jizzon. We didnt really do anything except like 3 exercises and steam room. I need to go to Lifetime more. I have a yucky belly it's not going away -_- I'm going to start eating like only salad and meat for dinner. But then again I said that a few months ago too so...I think my belly isnt going anywhere. Sucks.

Its nice as hell today outside. What the hell I want to go play! I wish I was still like 5. I'd be dominating the playground.

Theres nothing to write about I'm so bored. I hate that I have ADS. I want to chill today since it's so nice. Oh yea I'm going to write on Yubee's wall telling him to find my pikachu hat. I was supposed to get that on Christmas -_-....

Damnn someone buy me a moped. I'd be riding it everywhere. I want to go to Lifetime and I need a way to get to school. Moped Moped Moped. I rode one last weekend for the first time. It was pretty fun but cold as hell since it was cold outside...

This blogpost sucks but I'm going to post it up for Jizz since he said he checks my blog a lot. <3

Sundays

It's Sunday morning 9:51 AM. I'm rockin out to Confined by As I Lay Dying. I'm so bored...But yea this blog is about Upside. YAAAAAAA. No not the Starcraft channel. These people:







They are composed of rats, brats, litle girls, little boys, prey, Cool Girls, Jocky Guys, more rats, Sam, leaders, role models, pastor(finally haha), the awesome, baller, funny, formerly brother/fatherlike, m3 repping teacher, HONGSHIK, and of course:

THE REAL JOKER.
Yea Heath Ledger is an alright joker, but this man...he is THE REAL JOKER. He fux with you until you want to die or kill him but you never can. He is invincible and will forever joke the world until somehow he dies.
I haven't been going to church a lot for the past maybe year and a half and I just started to go back. This is my second week. There's been so much change since when I first started going in 7th or 8th grade. Like this building on gallows road.

Yes that building was awesome. I remember sleeping there either by myself or with friends and teachers. Good times playing 13 or risk until 5 am then waking up to the korean ministry practicing piano at 6. I can never forget the day Pastor Gene introduced the "GO CAMPAIGN". Whenever I think about it I lawlsroflcopterlmfaohmygod.
"We have introduced the Go Campaign, and I think the way Anne and I are going to do this is to go. I think God is calling us to literally go." LMFAO. Pastor Gene...literlly GO. how tiight.

Geez they dipped the fuck out..-_- I only saw him once after he dipped out.

What a sad day...I don't think most of the kids in Upside know about him since they're all new and everyone that knew him dipped out. But since he left I don't think Upsides been involved much. At ICF last Thursday or last last Thursday I forgot when, but the pastor talked about the last decade. Time magazine called it the "Decade of Hell" and basically talked about where the church was. The most memorable thing I heard him say was "Where was the Church?." Sort of seemed true. The church was in a lot of American history but I also don't think I've heard very much about the Church in the past decade or so. It might be because I've been oblivious to the news until now my tvs on CNN 24/7.
Hold on Sean Flickinger is here I shall resume my blog post whenever I come back.
sike im too tired now :\

The Master

Hello. I was doing poetry in school today and I thought that I'd write a free verse poem to see if I have what it takes to have people studying my words hehe. probably not but o well I'm bored so I wrote one anyways. :D its sort of depressing and emo so dont read it if you hate that stuff just X out of the webpage. ;)


The Master by Jae Cho

For a reason I don't know why
I gave myself up
To be a slave
My master calls on me many times a day
Although I hate him
And regret my decision
I have no choice but to do his will
He took away my sanity and ability to live freely
He cursed me with my dependence in him
When I run or he goes away
I get sick
Antsy
Angry
Irritated
Miserable
And inside there is chaos
I kick and scream to be with my master again
He has be binded with mental chains
Stronger than any material in the universe
I am enslaved by a cigarette.

I think I tell myself I'm going to start quitting like 2-3 times a month lol...Never works out. Nicotine is such a pain in the ass. Totally rapes your brain anally with a 10 foot wide cock. -_- If you don't smoke, don't start!!!! No matter how cool and gangster the smokers look!!!! Or if you have another reason its not good either. ;)

Spurgeonator

I'm bored so I'm writing again I guess. This thing sometimes is fun hehe. I am writing about myself yay. I have no idea how but this man came up into my head today while I was looking at my bookshelf full of gangster Nicholas Sparks and Chuck Palahniuk books. As I looked more down to where my Bibles were Whoop Hello Charles Spurgeon and John MacArthur. Just random images and a quote came to my head. o.O


Yea, thats not Andrew Carnegie. It sort of looks like him but its not. That man is Charles Spurgeon. I dont know if you guys know him but hes a British Preacher. Right now I think he's called the "Prince of Preachers". What a baller title...The Prince of Preachers. Thats basically all I know about the guy sadly and this quote that he preached or said I guess.

"Have you no wish for others to be saved? Then you're not saved yourself, be sure of that!"
— Charles Spurgeon

What a baller quote from a baller preacher with a baller title...This was the quote that came into my head. It was my quote. I memorized it, -not that hard to memorize- told myself this in my head everyday, every moment, and had it up on my computer and yea it was the best quote to me. I think it's still the most baller.
So yea I'm thinking back on my life and noticed half or a bit more of my high school days were dominated by church life. I went there every Friday and Sunday maybe 3 hours before service started. Sundays I'd set up chairs, Friday I would just come early and chill with Pastor Gene Kim. <---- That man is also very baller



I miss him a lot haha. I was told that Upside(LGMC Youth Group) wasn't that big or hmmm I don't know what word...............big or.....uhhh.....active??? I don't know ahaha. I just heard that PG(Pastor Gene) did a lot to make the youth group grow in size and in their love for God. I wouldn't really know though since I wasn't there in the beginning. At that time I first got cable tv and high speed internet so I was doing this:



and some of this:



and a whole lot of this:



hehe. One Friday night my mom made me go to church -_-. I was so furious. I'm 14 years old and my mom made me give up a night of those 3 things. zomg.

yea that happened before I went out. Geez it sucked. So I went to church and WOAH. Scary...all these people know each other and they're like 2 feet taller than me and everyones doing something and omg hawt older girls. I didn't know what to do except sit on a piano chair and stare blankly into the carpet. But I kept going as I was forced by my mom to go and these scary church people are the funniest people ever. They do weird ass activities and have the funniest jokes about the dumbest things ever.
So retreat time came around. Winter retreat ehhh I went I was forced by my mom. I had fun and everything. Big sleepover with funny people take a nap and play around during service fun bus ride go home play more games. :) Summer retreat I wasn't forced I wanted to go have another fun time yay! The pastor for the summer retreat was named Pastor Sam. I have no idea what his last name was I never asked or read the booklet thingys hhehe. On the second night I guess I was "saved". Pastor Sam preached about the verse Philippians 3:8.
"Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ," -Philippians 3:8.
That was awesome. How Paul considered everything a "loss" then "dung" or crap, rubbish, shit compared to the "EXCELLENCY of the knowledge of Christ Jesus" his Lord. WOW...what a baller. He was soo in love with God that everything else to him was a loss, poop, nothing. I wish I had faith, zeal and love for God like Paul did. thats tiight.so yea id go to church participate, go to retreats, missions funfunfun. I miss it. I miss the people.

haha these rats are tiight
i totally forgot where i was going with this blog cuz I left to go to lifetime and just got back -_- whatever byebyes hahah maybe next time.